A few things that bother me the most about the dentist is that every time I go, I seem to have something else wrong with my mouth. I mean how do we all REALLY know they see a dark spot on our tooth, one that doesn't even hurt. I'm thinking my distaste for dentistry started when I was about eleven and heard the words "your daughter will need to have 6 teeth pulled in preparation for the braces". Thankfully, growing up with no dental insurance, our trips to the dentist only came when pain prodded my parents to call. Fellow brace wearers, we all remember the wad of goo on the first orthodontic appointment that had to stay there for an uncomfortable amount of time. Not only did you have buck teeth, you now looked even more like a monster with this display going on, and it never tasted like bubble gum flavor like they made sound so enjoyable. Finally, time to take the mold out, the tugging and pulling felt like all the rest of my teeth were going to be extracted with it. What a sight to see a clay mold of your buck teeth sitting on the tray resembling something from a horror film.
I was the "lucky" one in 6th grade, with my already awkward look of short permed hair, taller than the rest of the class and stick skinny, I was the unfortunate "winner" of the braces that fit around each tooth with a metal sleeve. The cool kids had those on the back molars only, and very hip round one's called "door knobs" or "Train Tracks" on the teeth that showed. Not me, I got the metal sleeves wrapped around every tooth, making my metal mouth look similar to the modern day "mouth grill". The metal sleeves only made it harder to floss and when finally removed in the 8th grade, strangely my Orthodontist showed little shock or concern that my teeth all had 1/8 inch spaces in between them! Suddenly the "Pay As You Go" perk seemed to come full circle and gave little option for complaining that teeth be fixed tightly together. Although much to my surprise this plan came with an option to pick a color of the retainer, something my older sister who went through this same process, did not get to choose in her perk plan. I chose a blue retainer complete with carrying case and the knowledge of a hefty fine and punishment if lost. I'd seen my sister's near death experience after explaining to my parents how she wrapped hers up in a napkin at Pizza Baron accidentally tossing it in the trash. Pizza Baron Pizza was cheap and greasy and required massive amounts of napkins, not just to catch the drips of chin grease but also to supply for the mysterious craft of creating a napkin plate making the hunt for a retainer in a mass graveyard of napkins nearly impossible.
After avoiding the dentist for years after braces and through college, I then landed a job that came with dental insurance so I finally headed to my doomsday appointment. After all my disclaimers of why I hadn't been in for SO long, I hear the Hygiennosaurus Rex coming down the hall with her sharp hygienic tools and game face on.
The thing that annoys me the most is the hygienist who looks at the chart and sees I haven't been in for 7 years and decides right then would be an excellent time to take out the sharpest tools and cry about the evil ways of her ex-husband. Followed up with a lecture about the importance of flossing and brushing and of course coming to see her every 6 months, (yeah, right lady) as I nod my bloody grin and say "you are right, I'm a horrible human being, I'm so glad I came today."
A few days later my scheduled cavity filling starts off with the Dentasaurus coming in with a hazmat face shield to make sure that HE was safe from the flying spit and tooth shrapnel. Evidently, over time, enough flying water, spit, tooth carvings, and metal instruments fell in the faces of patients, complaints increased and now they kindly give the patient a pair of protective lawsuit preventing glasses as well...THAT would have been nice in 1984 when they were pulling my six teeth, I should be horribly wealthy right now and not blogging.